I dream about my mom fairly often - they are usually very similar.
She somehow comes back to life and I am very surprised about that. But then I'm happy and we have an event, or do something - just her and I. But then I realize that she is very very sick. Very very sick looking and doesn't feel well. At some point I'm startled awake and there is no resolution.
Last night she was alive and we were on a cruise from Greece to Croatia (I really want to visit Croatia). She and I were together but she was oh so so thin. Even thinner than she was in the last few days of her life - skeletal. And she was sitting there popping oxy like they were candy. She just couldn't get to feeling well. People on the boat were staring and talking. I told each one of them to leave us alone and that we could hear them. These two bitchy older ladies behind us were the worst.
Then it ended. No ending. No hugging, tears, or words. It was sad.
I really hope that some day I dream of my mom when she was healthy. It's still somehow hard to get past that last week. Will I always remember her like that? I really really hope not. What are my dreams telling me? Are they reminding me that she was so sick and is in a better place? Free of pain? It's kind of torture.
I want to remember my larger than life mom who always offered up great conversation. I could talk to her for hours. I want to dream about our times together and when I was a kid. I want to picture her playing with my kids - ring around the rosey, red rover - she was always so fun when we had a bunch of little ones together. Endless energy!!
Missing her so much!!
