I dream about my mom fairly often - they are usually very similar.
She somehow comes back to life and I am very surprised about that. But then I'm happy and we have an event, or do something - just her and I. But then I realize that she is very very sick. Very very sick looking and doesn't feel well. At some point I'm startled awake and there is no resolution.
Last night she was alive and we were on a cruise from Greece to Croatia (I really want to visit Croatia). She and I were together but she was oh so so thin. Even thinner than she was in the last few days of her life - skeletal. And she was sitting there popping oxy like they were candy. She just couldn't get to feeling well. People on the boat were staring and talking. I told each one of them to leave us alone and that we could hear them. These two bitchy older ladies behind us were the worst.
Then it ended. No ending. No hugging, tears, or words. It was sad.
I really hope that some day I dream of my mom when she was healthy. It's still somehow hard to get past that last week. Will I always remember her like that? I really really hope not. What are my dreams telling me? Are they reminding me that she was so sick and is in a better place? Free of pain? It's kind of torture.
I want to remember my larger than life mom who always offered up great conversation. I could talk to her for hours. I want to dream about our times together and when I was a kid. I want to picture her playing with my kids - ring around the rosey, red rover - she was always so fun when we had a bunch of little ones together. Endless energy!!
Missing her so much!!
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Friday, December 26, 2014
Christmas Blues
This year definitely wasn't as jubilant for us this Christmas. But we made it.
My mom was with us, I could feel it. But I sure missed talking to her and doing what has been our normal routine these past few years. Justin and I planned the meal, incorporating some of my mom's favorite dishes. Lyndon and I did the cooking and my dad and Justin played with the kids (Christmas Eve). Christmas day we were joined by Lyndon's parents and Justin's girlfriend came as well - so a little more conversation but there was just an overall feeling of sadness I felt. I could have laid in bed all day and skipped this year - but we have to keep going. I get it.
I missed her most on Christmas morning. She was always up early with the kids and she just loved to talk, and chat and play. It was extra quiet this year - even with my three little ones. She always brought this happiness and made the work in the kitchen and around the house fun because we'd just chat our way through it.
Contrary to my nightmare the other night, I didn't totally botch her Cranberry Cake (best dessert EVER).
I do want to say that my Dad has been a total rockstar Grandpa and has really stepped up to the plate as far as things my mom used to do - and that they used to do together. This fall he came to almost every single one of Sydney's volleyball games. He comes down almost every weekend and just hangs out with us, we go to the game, have a meal, watch the Seahawks play or whatever. He even rescued me one day when I had an important meeting and Sydney was sick. He drove all the way down here and stayed with her while I went in to work. He's pretty fantastic. We love him so much and my mom's love for him was amazing to say the least.
I hope everyone enjoyed their Christmas celebrations. I know this first one with her gone was probably the hardest for us and I trust they will get easier with time.
My mom was with us, I could feel it. But I sure missed talking to her and doing what has been our normal routine these past few years. Justin and I planned the meal, incorporating some of my mom's favorite dishes. Lyndon and I did the cooking and my dad and Justin played with the kids (Christmas Eve). Christmas day we were joined by Lyndon's parents and Justin's girlfriend came as well - so a little more conversation but there was just an overall feeling of sadness I felt. I could have laid in bed all day and skipped this year - but we have to keep going. I get it.
I missed her most on Christmas morning. She was always up early with the kids and she just loved to talk, and chat and play. It was extra quiet this year - even with my three little ones. She always brought this happiness and made the work in the kitchen and around the house fun because we'd just chat our way through it.
Contrary to my nightmare the other night, I didn't totally botch her Cranberry Cake (best dessert EVER).
I do want to say that my Dad has been a total rockstar Grandpa and has really stepped up to the plate as far as things my mom used to do - and that they used to do together. This fall he came to almost every single one of Sydney's volleyball games. He comes down almost every weekend and just hangs out with us, we go to the game, have a meal, watch the Seahawks play or whatever. He even rescued me one day when I had an important meeting and Sydney was sick. He drove all the way down here and stayed with her while I went in to work. He's pretty fantastic. We love him so much and my mom's love for him was amazing to say the least.
I hope everyone enjoyed their Christmas celebrations. I know this first one with her gone was probably the hardest for us and I trust they will get easier with time.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Big Huge Hole
Pretty amazing that just two months ago we had some "good" scan results. Mom passed away about a month after that. Crazy. It's crazy how fast she declined. But I'm not going to focus on those last few weeks/months because they were so so hard.
I miss her!!! I miss her like crazy. Every. Single. Day. I think about her multiple times per day. Today has been the hardest day in quite awhile. Not sure why. I'm not feeling well (head cold) and this morning when I went to drive to work I almost dialed her phone. Of course then I was hit with a ton of bricks.
I'm devastated and struggling to hold it together. I always told my husband (before she died) that I was afraid I'd lose my shit once it happens. I feel on the edge. Especially today. I am so sad. Very very sad. And angry too. My mom was such a great mom and such a great person. I love her so much!!
I miss her!!! I miss her like crazy. Every. Single. Day. I think about her multiple times per day. Today has been the hardest day in quite awhile. Not sure why. I'm not feeling well (head cold) and this morning when I went to drive to work I almost dialed her phone. Of course then I was hit with a ton of bricks.
I'm devastated and struggling to hold it together. I always told my husband (before she died) that I was afraid I'd lose my shit once it happens. I feel on the edge. Especially today. I am so sad. Very very sad. And angry too. My mom was such a great mom and such a great person. I love her so much!!
She was the best grandma and I'm sad that Gunnar won't remember her much. But I promise I will always talk about her and always show pictures. Life just isn't all that fair sometimes, is it??
Mom, I love you!!! I wish you were here. Life just isn't the same without you. Dang it!
Monday, August 11, 2014
Scan Results
We were surprised by the results of my mom's scans last week. Stable! No progression of the cancer. What a relief! Apparently she has a cracked vertebrae which is probably what has been causing all the pain in her back. Also, her brain tumor gone as a result of the radiation. So pleased at this good news!
We all had a good weekend. Lyndon went up to Puyallup on Saturday to help my cousins Jon/Joel with some good ol BBQ'ing. This is an overnight process and he came home last night. The kids and I headed to the pool and had a nice time getting cooked by the sun. Can't believe this beautiful WA summer!
We all had a good weekend. Lyndon went up to Puyallup on Saturday to help my cousins Jon/Joel with some good ol BBQ'ing. This is an overnight process and he came home last night. The kids and I headed to the pool and had a nice time getting cooked by the sun. Can't believe this beautiful WA summer!
Friday, August 8, 2014
Anxious
I've decided to turn back to the tried and true way for me to communicate some of the feelings/emotions that bubble over when I have something stressful going on in my life. I will be using this blog to keep friends and family up-to-date and to process what's going on with my mom.
Currently, mom has Stage IV Triple-Negative Breast Cancer. The cancer has spread to her liver, peritoneal cavity, some spots on her bones and most recently, a spot on her brain. This is a recurrence of her previous bout back in 2010 - 2011. She has been fighting this recurrence since March 2013 - just after Gunnar was born. Her liver has been the area of most concern as it continues to spread and many of the spots have come together to make larger masses. More recently, my mom has been having some confusion - well she kinda loses her train of thought. Mid-sentence - it's gone. We thought it could be "chemo brain" which isn't an actual condition but just a potential side effect of being on that crap for too long. She's not stopped since she was re diagnosed. Anyway, they scanned her brain and there was a tumor. They did radiation about a month ago but she's still experiencing quite a bit of forgetfulness.
In the last couple of weeks, mom is experiencing a lot of issues. Her hip/back have really been bothering her. Let me rephrase that - they hurt - and it's not going away. She is having difficulty mustering up any energy, both physically and mentally. Most know that my mom, up until recently, is a very active lady! A hard worker, exercises every day, very mentally engaging - all of these things. Well she's just lost a lot of that - and it's happened very quickly. (*insert prayer request here).
Yesterday she had three scans. Her brain, her chest (took look at her liver/lungs/etc.) and her back. We are wondering if the pain her her back (which is now way worse than the hip) is a result of the cancer spreading in her bones. Originally, we thought it may have been because she did some yard work a couple of weeks ago but as time moves forward and her pain is staying the same and maybe getting a little worse, it has us all very worried.
After her scans, my parents, Justin, Lyndon and I all met and enjoyed a memorable evening (adults only!) in downtown Seattle going out for dinner and seeing Book of Mormon at the Paramount. It was a lot of fun. Here are a few pics from our evening!
So today we are all a bit anxious awaiting the call from her doctor with her scan results. Today we will just get the results of the chest and back - she has an appointment on Monday regarding the brain (which she seems to be most anxious about).
Please keep mom and all of us in your thoughts and prayers! This is a very emotional time for us all right now. However, we feel so fortunate to have each other!!
Will keep you updated.
Currently, mom has Stage IV Triple-Negative Breast Cancer. The cancer has spread to her liver, peritoneal cavity, some spots on her bones and most recently, a spot on her brain. This is a recurrence of her previous bout back in 2010 - 2011. She has been fighting this recurrence since March 2013 - just after Gunnar was born. Her liver has been the area of most concern as it continues to spread and many of the spots have come together to make larger masses. More recently, my mom has been having some confusion - well she kinda loses her train of thought. Mid-sentence - it's gone. We thought it could be "chemo brain" which isn't an actual condition but just a potential side effect of being on that crap for too long. She's not stopped since she was re diagnosed. Anyway, they scanned her brain and there was a tumor. They did radiation about a month ago but she's still experiencing quite a bit of forgetfulness.
In the last couple of weeks, mom is experiencing a lot of issues. Her hip/back have really been bothering her. Let me rephrase that - they hurt - and it's not going away. She is having difficulty mustering up any energy, both physically and mentally. Most know that my mom, up until recently, is a very active lady! A hard worker, exercises every day, very mentally engaging - all of these things. Well she's just lost a lot of that - and it's happened very quickly. (*insert prayer request here).
Yesterday she had three scans. Her brain, her chest (took look at her liver/lungs/etc.) and her back. We are wondering if the pain her her back (which is now way worse than the hip) is a result of the cancer spreading in her bones. Originally, we thought it may have been because she did some yard work a couple of weeks ago but as time moves forward and her pain is staying the same and maybe getting a little worse, it has us all very worried.
After her scans, my parents, Justin, Lyndon and I all met and enjoyed a memorable evening (adults only!) in downtown Seattle going out for dinner and seeing Book of Mormon at the Paramount. It was a lot of fun. Here are a few pics from our evening!
So today we are all a bit anxious awaiting the call from her doctor with her scan results. Today we will just get the results of the chest and back - she has an appointment on Monday regarding the brain (which she seems to be most anxious about).
Please keep mom and all of us in your thoughts and prayers! This is a very emotional time for us all right now. However, we feel so fortunate to have each other!!
Will keep you updated.
Friday, November 1, 2013
30 Days of Thankfulness!
Gonna do it. But not on Facebook. Too many eyes!!!
On this FIRST day of thankfulness....
I am thankful for my supportive husband. Lyndon is the most selfless husband I know. He's always putting our family first. He realizes what we need, what we want, and how we want to get there and he does his best to make it happen. He sacrifices so much and always steps up to the plate so I can get to the gym. That's been a big priority for me lately. I just feel so much better when I get a workout in. He makes it happen. I know there are so many husbands out there who don't step up to watch the kids, make dinner, pick up the kitchen, etc. He's so good in these areas. We have such a wonderful team. I am so thankful for him!
On this FIRST day of thankfulness....
I am thankful for my supportive husband. Lyndon is the most selfless husband I know. He's always putting our family first. He realizes what we need, what we want, and how we want to get there and he does his best to make it happen. He sacrifices so much and always steps up to the plate so I can get to the gym. That's been a big priority for me lately. I just feel so much better when I get a workout in. He makes it happen. I know there are so many husbands out there who don't step up to watch the kids, make dinner, pick up the kitchen, etc. He's so good in these areas. We have such a wonderful team. I am so thankful for him!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Long overdue update
What's going on?? I'm feeling a little more creative and mouthy these days so guess it's time to blog a little!
1) Leaving Friday - on a jet plane - New Orleans/Jamaica/Grand Cayman/Mexico. Jealous? After this crazy Washington weather - ready for some sun!!!
2) Still working too much. 40 hours for the state - and my beloved Zumba job.
3) 2011 #1 instructor at the Valley Athletic Club = moi. Hello!!! Very proud - and surprised because I'm not a hard body like the rest of the instructors there. They are all super fabulous and I wish my body looked a little more like theirs - it's obvious that a body is NOT what brings in the peeps. It's about heart, energy, smile and attitude. No doubt.
4) Paid off both cars now. BIG Dave Ramsey advocate. Have faltered slightly in the last few months - boat purchase, previously mentioned vacation purchase - however - no car payments!! :)
5) Mom is doing fabulous. Cancer free - getting checked every 3 months! Love living in every moment.
6) The kiddos are awesome. My heart for them grows bigger and bigger every day.
7) Considering buying a home here in Olympia. However - Lyndon is not done with school and I don't want to work here at the State forever. BUT I love my Zumba/Valley job so not sure I can ever give that up. I could - but it's not the right time yet. Maybe once he finishes school, we could find something else. But really....we have great people here.
Nothing else to share. Will get back to posting some more pictures soon. Maybe after the vaca??
Love to anyone to still checks in on us. I will talk about Isaac and his progress/where he's at soon. I honestly don't love to talk about it much anymore. Causes too much anxiety.
XO
Rebecca
1) Leaving Friday - on a jet plane - New Orleans/Jamaica/Grand Cayman/Mexico. Jealous? After this crazy Washington weather - ready for some sun!!!
2) Still working too much. 40 hours for the state - and my beloved Zumba job.
3) 2011 #1 instructor at the Valley Athletic Club = moi. Hello!!! Very proud - and surprised because I'm not a hard body like the rest of the instructors there. They are all super fabulous and I wish my body looked a little more like theirs - it's obvious that a body is NOT what brings in the peeps. It's about heart, energy, smile and attitude. No doubt.
4) Paid off both cars now. BIG Dave Ramsey advocate. Have faltered slightly in the last few months - boat purchase, previously mentioned vacation purchase - however - no car payments!! :)
5) Mom is doing fabulous. Cancer free - getting checked every 3 months! Love living in every moment.
6) The kiddos are awesome. My heart for them grows bigger and bigger every day.
7) Considering buying a home here in Olympia. However - Lyndon is not done with school and I don't want to work here at the State forever. BUT I love my Zumba/Valley job so not sure I can ever give that up. I could - but it's not the right time yet. Maybe once he finishes school, we could find something else. But really....we have great people here.
Nothing else to share. Will get back to posting some more pictures soon. Maybe after the vaca??
Love to anyone to still checks in on us. I will talk about Isaac and his progress/where he's at soon. I honestly don't love to talk about it much anymore. Causes too much anxiety.
XO
Rebecca
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